Saying "No" Will Keep You Alive

Well, at least while you're living, because death is the only one with the right to think your "NO!" is so cute, and it couldn't care less how loud or seriously you scream. Regardless of how much daily biohacking you're dedicating to pricey supplements and anti-aging apparatuses, death will come for all living things (except this one rare 'immortal' jellyfish that's mocking it, but that's a whole other story). Death is a price paid for having had the chance to live. This fact is far less depressing and grim than it seems. Understanding the unlikeliness, impermanence, and transience of our lives makes the call for authenticity, defending the outlines of our soul, and speaking our heart and mind openly that much more important.

You don't have forever to assert yourself and set boundaries around the life you'd like to live. Until you do this by learning to say no, you will feel like an incomplete self, a semi-person, and an imposter in your skin who's finding it hard to truly, deeply respect yourself. Learning to respectfully say no will save your life, literally, which we'll get to soon. The harder the lesson seems, the more you need it.

 

The resentment of saying yes to everything

Although difficulties in being assertive might seem to be more of a problem afflicting women due to the cultural upbringing that primes us to take the main hit of caregiving and empathy (not least due to our role in raising children), saying no and setting boundaries is, in fact, quite a gender-neutral issue that afflicts men and women alike. We're all brought up and socialized to take other people, their feelings, and needs into consideration. This is very necessary to have a cooperative and functioning society. Still, it can also get out of hand to the point where we sacrifice our opinions, desires, and needs to "not rock the boat." We agree to things that don't sit well with us and feel like saying no would hurt the other person's or group's feelings; we disrespect our own time by doing excessive things for others out of fear that saying no would come across as inconsiderate, rude, selfish, and that they would not like us. In time, we stop respecting ourselves and might even feel like we're losing our voice, accepting a permanently passive role, and disappearing. Constantly saying yes to things we don't want to do will inevitably result in resentment towards ourselves and/or those asking the question.

Saying "No" when you really mean it is necessary to build yourself as a person and is something we all should work on in early adulthood. Only people who are very disagreeable by nature will have no trouble setting boundaries and will even enjoy the conflict. But most of us have some problems saying a cold, hard no to anything and everything that doesn't directly serve us, especially when the emotional ties of friends and family enter the picture. We should learn from the disagreeable and find the balance that feels right for us personally. Say no and stand your ground. Don't fall for the emotional blackmail associated with manipulative behaviors.

Saying no and physical health

Being able to refuse, negotiate, and say no to people is not only a mentally and emotionally freeing momentum of personal growth but also echoes in on the physiological plane of the body. Learning how to politely say no will keep a whole myriad of diseases—that can cut your life short or damage its quality—at bay.

The connection of emotions, trauma, repressed emotions, opinions, needs, and desires with degenerative illnesses was investigated in depth by Dr. Gabor Maté in his book "When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress." Dr. Maté says all of these instances are stress that could have been avoided and resolved. Not the stress of a hard day of physical work or a temporary "run for your life" scare, but a constant chronic emotional pressure that builds up in the body, damaging organs and tissues. The idea that mind, body, and emotion are interconnected is nothing new. It has in some form appeared in most of the greatest philosophies and religions in human civilizations, who've independently come to this conclusion by observing humans and the course of their lives.  

For decades, as a physician, Dr. Maté watched those who got seriously sick and found recurring patterns linked to personality traits, temperament, demeanor, behavior, and choices. A stance is not that a sick person is to blame for their disease. Not at all. It is a call to become conscious of your state, as we are rarely aware of what we're doing. Some difficult life circumstances are unavoidable and the pressure keeps building.
 

Caregivers have shorter telomeres

An interesting finding was that the people who got sick the most took care of others to the point where they neglected to care for themselves. This is a real poignant example of the necessity to put your mask on first before trying to help someone else. The saying "The good die young" does not seem to be just a random old wives tale. It has a real footing in reality, biology, and medicine. Prolonged stress states provoke a hormonal response such as elevated cortisol, which regulates the biorhythm, such as sleep-wake cycles in normal conditions. However, chronically elevated cortisol leads to, amongst other things, weight gain, especially in the belly area, DNA damage, and telomere shortening.

It's easy to imagine telomeres just as caps at the ends of shoelaces that prevent fraying, which is what telomeres do to the chromosomes, keeping the genetic information safe. The shorter these end caps get, the faster we age and the more vulnerable we are to common age-related diseases, such as cardiovascular issues, diabetes, and cognitive decline. Being under constant emotional stress also affects inflammation, speeding up the rate of losing collagen and elastin. The body will, rightfully so, invest energy into fighting the inflammation rather than rebuilding and repairing tissues, which becomes bad news real fast. Just add in some obsessive thoughts about why you didn't say no and disrupt your sleep, and we've pretty much set the stage for the disease to develop. It is necessary to learn to decompress and relax in any way that feels right to you; no judgment here. 

The telomere studies showed that the lengths of telomeres were significantly shorter in long-term caregivers, making them biologically over a decade older than their chronological age. Supporting a loved one when they can't support or care for themselves is noble and compassionate. But even compassion needs a boundary not to degenerate into despising and blaming. You both need to know where the line is, when you're being stretched too thin, and when it's time to ask for support when it gets too hard or hopeless. It is unrealistic to expect to be always deliriously happy, but feeling like you're splitting at the seams is a warning sign, signaling you need a break or some help. 

Empathy, authenticity, and interconnectedness of all things

We've been conditioned to see ego as bad, but having no ego leaves us open to being taken advantage of. The ability to say no (even if you'll feel bad about it the first few times, which you absolutely will) and to summon righteous, productive anger if the "NO" boundaries get crossed is healthy. Having personal boundaries is the only way to have genuine empathy, rather than giving support out of pity or duty. Pity is not empathy; it puts you above the one you pity. Empathy makes you view the person as equal and feel with them.

We need to learn how to say no politely, or impolitely if the polite way is ignored. We need to express our truth and work to become someone whose words, thoughts, and actions match and are authentic. If we keep pushing stuff down to "keep the peace," things fester and rot inside, making you—as Dr. Gabor says—four times more likely to die young. Not rolling over and complying and learning how to say no will keep you sane and healthy deep into old age.

Except in medical textbooks, there is no separation. The past, present, future, gut and brain, mind and body, hormones, and immunity are all connected. Say "No" when you need to and mean it. "No" is a powerful, full-fledged sentence that does not require apologies or explanations and should be enough for people who respect you. Those who are used to (and are counting on) your agreeableness and constant availability for their own purposes will call your newfound freedom and assertiveness (no matter how kindly you put it) "selfish." But we all see life as we are, not as it objectively is, so tough noogies. They are free to think of you as they will and walk away if the scenario in which you're not at their constant disposal doesn't suit them. The world will manage if you sit one out here and there and work on you.

Stay curious, stay beautiful, be kind but don't take any crap. Enjoy living in your skin!