Sex Tips After the Honeymoon Phase Ends

There is nothing, and we mean nothing in this whole wide world, that in madness and magnificence measures with a person freshly in love, smack in the middle of the honeymoon phase. Equally close to obsession, intoxication, and an unreasonable, unfounded certainty in the perfection of another, we live our days lit from within, as a fool to be pitied and an object of envy simultaneously for all those who remember how infatuation feels. The honeymoon phase will inevitably end (this is not raining on anyone's parade, but a fact of biology), and it will lead to one of two outcomes. Either you'll be disappointed by reality and lose interest in your partner, or you'll learn how to move beyond the honeymoon phase and build a lasting relationship, supported by far more than just a soup of brain chemicals, urging your millions of years of evolution's old body to reproduce.

As a monogamous, long-living species with emotional and intellectual needs, the capacity to remember the past, and plan the future, we need to solve far more problems than sex. We need to solve the problem of building a relationship and a life with someone. And that's when it gets complicated, once nature's autopilot turns off and we're just left with all the messy human stuff.

What is the honeymoon phase?

It is the period when a new romantic relationship is just starting. The new person consumes you; they can do no wrong. Everything about them is fascinating. You love the pencil caps they've chewed on and thrown away, finding it cute and quirky that they shave in the kitchen. You think about them constantly, daydream, have zero concentration for anything not concerning you two, crave to hear from them, and keep imagining their hand on your thigh moving up. This infatuated state consumes all of your energy, thoughts, and conversations, quite intrusively implanting into your entire life.

How long is the honeymoon phase? Well, this wonderfully obsessive time may be some of the best memories of your life and can last anywhere from a few weeks to 18 months. However, the realities of life and coexistence will eventually catch up. The bubble that protected you from dirty socks, sinks full of stubble, and slobbery pencil caps will burst.

What comes after the honeymoon phase in a relationship?

Due to your brain doing the breast stroke, floating around in feel-good chemicals such as oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine, you were out of your mind. No, seriously, this was not your mind. After returning to baseline, you're left with no pink glasses and see the flawed person in front of you in their full glory. If the endings of the phase coincided for you both, they see your naked, flawed humanness too. This is the point where many new relationships break down, as they are unwilling to transition from fantasy to reality. Some would rather go off on their next chemically fueled, heart adventure.

For others who see each other in this unfiltered light and conclude that this is worth it, they will need to learn about the real people they are. They'll learn as they go and try to build something they're both happy with, sans the swirl of feel-good chemicals. The honeymoon phase is easy. What comes next takes work, planning, communication, and a conscious decision to stay. You will not always like the person you love (really love, not the one you're just currently into or inside in) and may think about leaving more than you're willing to admit. This is the beginning of a whole new phase.

Honeymoon phase and sex?

In the first weeks and months of being with your person, you can't keep your hands off each other. Seeing them put on pantyhose or chop wood is the sexiest thing you've ever witnessed. Sex is spontaneous, frequent, and fabulous, with the desire fueled by the inherent otherness and novelty of the other. This new relationship energy is so all-encompassing that your every interaction becomes foreplay, and a new one starts as soon as you consume the accumulated desire. And then at one point, the desire doesn't renew as fast or spontaneously. As you become more relaxed with each other and the realities of work-life balance, chores and family obligations kick in, and your exclusive little illusion fades.

You may still do many of the little things from the honeymoon phase (we hope you do), but have no more illusions about the flawless perfection of your partner. What comes after the honeymoon phase in a relationship is the reality-check stage, followed by a work stage, commitment, and finally acceptance. In acceptance, we stop trying to change someone, and get that deep, calm love. But before you get there, you will have to doubt whether you've lost it, whether you've made the wrong choice, and why the sex went sour. Not necessarily bad, just not as good as when you began, like something was lost. What was effortless during the honeymoon phase of your relationship will now require some effort.

• Your spontaneity of doing it whenever and wherever you get the chance will decrease as you get more involved in the bigger picture of your lives and take on other responsibilities.
• As you finally refocus your energies into other things once the obsession is done (seriously, how did you even keep your job through this), you may lose some of the intensity.
• You may want to have sex but are tired, something the chemicals didn't let you feel while you were full-on honeymooning.
• You may even feel difficulty with getting properly excited or climaxing, or lose your confidence as the phases shift, and experience some dysfunction.
• Passion may also diminish. It's not always new and exciting, but sometimes it's just a mundane quickie before bed, and that's okay.
• You may also feel a difference in libido or suddenly find yourself asking for alone time without your perfect other half.

This is all normal. You are not losing your mind, you did not make the wrong choice (maybe you did, only you and time can answer that), you are not a heartless ogre, nor out of love. You're learning to transition from "in-love" to "love", real grown-up love, not some high schooler's crush. We know it doesn't feel like a win, but you're actually evolving now, although the withdrawal from the intense amounts of feel-good chemicals won't make it feel that way. But all of these doubts are good and show the potential for real, deep love, which is a choice, not a chemical slurpee.

But we presume you'd like to get some finger-licking good (inappropriate pun that slips so well (you see, DP (double pun)!) sex in between now and gray-and-old-together. So here are some sex tips (actually, more like life tips in general) to get you back into the saddle. It will never be the same as when the honeymoon phase began (although the horse is the same), but it may be just as good. Different but good.

Saucy and sensible sex tips after the honeymoon phase ends

No blame game, no pressure

First and most important is that if something goes wrong, there should be no pressuring and no blaming. The honeymoon phase would have ended eventually, no matter what either of you did or didn't do. It's not a matter of lack of effort, but a biological issue. If something is already fragile and one or both of you are fostering some confusion, resentment, or shame, forcing is a very bad idea. You'll get pushed back into the cold, cold stratosphere of sexlessness and damage the relationship.

Take a sexcation, or at least a life break

Life happens to all of us in all of its strangeness, beauty, and horror. People get ill, die, accidents happen, parents grow old, children have problems, we lose pets and jobs, and sometimes ourselves in this mess. If you've been with your partner for some time now in any real, dedicated way, life happened around you in its glory. You got tired, frustrated, confused, determined, afraid, relieved, and sort of forgot to put each other first.

It is very hard to get the juices flowing if you're constantly worried, exhausted, and don't talk to each other. If you're feeling like you're just filling out tasks and check-boxing chores, take a sexcation. Its name is very good at describing what it is - a vacation dedicated to sex and intimacy. It is a lifebreak. Go away for a day, weekend, a week, for as long as you can afford (money and responsibility-wise) and focus on each other's needs, sexual and emotional, as you did when it all started. Really listen, really be fully there. You may find that person again, under the to-do list. You can go with the flow or set some lighthearted goals, like to slow down, try tantric sex, or get better at expressing how and where you'd like to be touched. You can talk about your wildest fantasies or decide to have sex in as many places as you can pull off.

Intimacy in life, not just the bedroom

Have you ever thought about just slowing things down, not aiming at sex, but at the intimacy of the mind, soul, and interests? This road will most likely lead to the horizontal mambo and maybe give a more pleasurable journey to the ballroom than just saying "You wanna do it?" half asleep.  

Sex is intimate, but intimacy is so much more. It's feeling safe and close to your partner in daily ups and downs, feeling like you're free to be open and say what you need, want, love, or hate. It would be a good idea to focus on something you both love doing, such as gardening, drawing, reading, music, knitting, or exploring exotic food and spelunking, and go explore together. Establish an art afternoon or music Mondays, take turns on cooking something the other has never tried, go howl at the moon together if that's your thing. Share an internal joke or just linger a bit longer when looking at them across the room. Stop being busy all the time in your own microuniverse and let your universes clash and start throwing sparks.

Non-sexual touch

We forget the beauty and power of a simple, non-premeditated touch. It doesn't need to start anything or lead anywhere. Massage your partner after a long day, hold their hand just because, smack that butt as you pass them putting the dishes away. A simple kiss holds the world inside it and can just stay a kiss.

Stop pressuring each other like you have to do something, just because the kids are at their grandmother's, or you both have some time off this evening. It's great to cuddle and watch a movie, to hold your hand at their knee at a family dinner, or stroke their back if the perpetually semi-drunk uncle starts that triggering conversation. If just being there takes you to the bedroom, stairs, or kitchen counters, that's a bonus.

New positions

The longer you've been together, the harder it is to make it spicy and enjoyable. You know each other's preferences and reactions by now. Most couples develop a system that works based on what the partners find pleasurable and stick to it, ending in a sort of sex rut.

Trying out some new positions or breathing exercises for better sex is a great way to introduce novelty and fun back into your routine. Some will definitely not be for you, but you may stumble upon a new favorite and get liberated to talk about what you'd really like, even sharing a full-blown fantasy. Be honest about what turns you on and don't fear judgment (if you're constantly being judged, maybe it's time to rethink whether you even want to remain in this relationship). Chances are you'll reach a compromise, but the more likely scenario is that the fantasy will titillate your partner's imagination and that they will be delighted, making you mysterious and new again, as they realize there is still much they don't know about you. Or you could have the exact same kink, but have never actually spoken about it.

Learn to share... toys

Yes, yes, we know. Toys are usually considered something those flying solo use to get off, but they are far more versatile than a quick buzz-buzz to sleep better. You can share your toys or invest in a toy together with your partner to increase pleasure and find new ways of playing with each other. You know what you like, but don't force your partner to try if they're not comfortable with some elements of your toy idea. Some people are not into toys, and that's completely fine, but who's to say they wouldn't want to peep on you while you use them? This can be a super spicy learning experience as well as a very erotic moment for both.

Don't try to recapture the past

That time is irreversibly gone. You don't live in the past, but here and now. Most of the things we idolize from the past honeymoon phase are not really the full truth, but a rearview mirror glance smeared by the rosy tinge of the biological cocktail that was rushing through our brains and bodies. Couples will often try to regain that time after the fall from grace, but there is no going back to a place that no longer exists.

Those first feelings and passion were not a destination, but a stepping stone towards a chance to build something lasting, to honestly know a person, sincerely, deeply and respectfully, through all the personal, emotional, mental, and physical changes that aging together will bring. If you thik you're getting bored with your partner, maybe it's you. Ask some unusual questions you've never asked before and watch new layers appear in the person you love. Perhaps the curiosity about another, as you used to in the beginning, is all you need to keep from the old story.

Doing your own thing

It may not even be about reconnecting, but rather about disconnecting. Perhaps you're spending too much time together in daily mode, and starting to see each other as maids, cooks, personal assistants, and handymen (not the attractive kind). You're doing everything together, eating, sleeping, having the same friends, going to the same places, having the same hobbies, maybe even a business together. Your physical closeness is somehow a given now and taken for granted, and you should say no to hanging out now and again.

You may have crossed the magic cuddle boundary, where if you're constantly touching non-romantically, you satisfy the need for closeness that way and may not feel the need to jump into the sack as often. If this is the case, you can try to ignite the spark by giving your partner a chance to miss you. Do your own thing, go out with your own friends, find a hobby that's uniquely yours, read those books that have been sitting on the shelf for a while, or treat yourself to a spa day. Don't cook, don't be an accountant, don't be a cleaning lady. Just go do something you love by yourself. Play golf, stare into the mountains, whatever.

Seeing your partner enjoying themselves, expanding, or geeking out about something that doesn't include you will spark the passion again, as you'll see them as you did when you first met, as a new, exciting "other". A breast jiggling while beating the eggs after a few days of not touching it, can be more erotic than lingerie.

Sometimes, you may need to work out or get some quiet time to decompress before you can switch from a serious work mode to a playful state where you are aware of your body and its needs. Take this time.

The bottom (up & down) line

But the bottom line is, life and circumstances will change, you will change, your partner will change, and your relationship will mutate as well as your libido and sex life. You'll have ups and downs, you'll get tired of each other, consider other people, and fall in love with each other all over again. You won't always understand, and sometimes you'll feel deeply connected, but that's not the point. The point is to try to love and build something in an imperfect human way, win some, lose some, and learn about one another along the way, hopefully living a wonderful life, like the old couple from "Up", with sheets rustling to the very end.

But really, don't be so hard on yourselves, libido vexes and vanes. It is just what happens; there is nothing wrong. If Romeo & Juliet hadn't been hormone-fueled youngsters who died too soon, they would have had to deal with all this one year into their passionate affair. So, what comes after the honeymoon phase in a relationship? Nothing at all or life, reality, and love. Choose.

Stay beautiful, stay curious about life, sex, and your person, and enjoy living in your skin - together.