Back to the Bottom of the Bucket: Personal Development & Social Backlash

You can barely take a breath, walk the street, or step foot into any organization without being bombarded by calls to personal development. Although buzzwordy and applied to what it is and isn't, true personal development is an inner tectonic shift of expanding the self in ways that are good for you (and preferably for the bigger picture of your life). You can easily slip into explorations of the dark underbelly of your city, which would rightfully be considered a new experience but hardly personal growth.

We know life gets really busy. We're tempted to find an excuse by the very virtue of our overburdened adulthood, glancing (with a mixture of vague jealousy and cynicism) at self-development primarily as a young person's game. But is it? We'll all have to spend the rest of our lives with ourselves, and stale stagnation is very detrimental. Learning and growth did not finish on the day of our last exam. This was when it was supposed to start practically navigating life rather than multiple-choice question sheets.

Is personal development worth it? Why bother? Will everybody be happy for you? Should you stop blaming and hiding behind being busy? Yes, because it is worth it.

How do you approach self-improvement?

Gratitude

There is nothing wrong with being content with what you have and who you are. In fact, gratitude is one of the cornerstones of growth. If you can't appreciate (at least some elements of) where you are now, why do you think you will appreciate some other place more? So, be grateful. Start from a spot of plenty inside, rather than an empty place of lack, the inherent lacking quality of which will direct quite different decisions that are more focused on quick consummatory reward than growth.

A goal

Get a personal development plan and a goal. Growth for its own sake is the logic of a tumor that doesn't care about the balance of a whole. Let your goal be informed by a reason, a "why" that will clearly define your trajectory and what you're willing to invest. There will be trouble along the way, but with a why, you can bear any how, as Mr. Friedrich Nietzsche (and, more recently, Simon Sinek) told us.

Small steps

Make the challenge small. The step you're willing to take may have to be ridiculously small and make no sense to anyone else. Still, break your plan down to manage crumbs, as you can easily feel overwhelmed when trying to see the whole road at once. Maybe you can only do a few minutes of focused reading after not doing it for so long; perhaps you can barely force yourself to hit send on an email for that doctor appointment you've been postponing for years, or you manage to mutter "No." to stand up for yourself finally. Make the step as laughably tiny as you need to. And then make another. The fear will lessen in time by exposure alone, I promise.

Vizualize

Vizualize or daydream. This silly little thing that we were scolded for in primary school when we drifted off in class is actually a robust mental crutch that helps you define what you'd like your life to look like. Visualization may be more deliberate, as you will sit down and try to visualize, but a daydream is just as valuable, if not more valuable, being a spontaneous manifestation of your desire for a better life and who you'd like to be.

Protect 

Protect your self-improvement dream. Gandhi said he would not let anyone walk through his mind with their dirty feet, nor should you. Your mind is the only space truly yours and is not to be treated as a dump yard of other people's trauma and emotional waste. Telling someone to stay positive seems like empty advice. It's much better to advise people to see the bad and the good but choose to focus on the good. This way, you will be far less naive. People will still try to run through your inner landscape with mud-covered soles/souls. But most people don't do this on purpose. Personal fears, traumas, guilt, resentment, or inadequacies manifest as warnings, negativity, disbelief, doubts, or teardowns of your dream. Forgive this. You don't have to listen if the advice does not resonate. Thank them anyway, and continue with your plan.

Calm down

Leading a productive, deep conversation in a loud, overcrowded room is very difficult. It's the same with conversations we have with ourselves. Sit down, breathe, and calm down. Call it meditation, if you will, but do something akin to quieting the cacophony of inner voices that emerge during daily life and challenges. Find a clean, silent location inside where you can hear yourself and only make decisions from that place. Sad, angry, stressed, or burned out - these are not foundations to make good decisions for yourself (but surprisingly, rock bottom is, which we'll talk about in another let 's-think-about-life article soon). Calm down and move forward.

Resilience

Be resilient and persistent. You'll fail. My lord, you will fail so spectacularly at times that if anyone knew, Hollywood would be lining up to get the movie rights. You'll fail so hard that you'll be left stunned and barely able to move on. But you will. You'll get up, process, cry it out, scream it out, punch it out, and you'll recover and thrive. And then you'll fail again and repeat the process, each time coming out a bit smarter, better, more resilient, resourceful, and compassionate towards others failing and getting up around you. Failing may be the most important and catalytic part of personal development. You don't have to like it; nobody does, but don't fear it. Keep going. Nothing, not even fear, murdered more dreams than lack of persistence.

Don't compare

We people are very good at comparing things, finding patterns, and noticing where someone is in the hierarchy. It's just what we do. While useful in many life aspects, when it comes to following your personal development path, comparing your journey with that of others might just cut you off at the knees. Comparisons are still possible in some loose way when we're kids, but once in adulthood, the individual circumstances of our lives get so diverse that comparing your path with someone else's is impossible. Their journey is not your concern; yours is. Stop wasting time and peeking over fences, and focus on yourself. As you grow, try to help others when you can, with no judgment.

No blame game

Once you're responsible for your own actions, you get kicked out of the blame game. Your life is your responsibility, and others are not here to serve your agenda (remember that this works both ways). They are here to be loved, respected and enjoyed as free, singular individuals with their own stories to live, and your storylines are sometimes touching and intertwining. Kids blame others for life circumstances, so if you feel a lot of that bubbling up inside, maybe it is time to grow up and take control. Agency in our own lives brings one of the greatest feelings of freedom.

Some important additional honorary mentions:
 

• Take care of your body. That's the only place your mind has to live, and a healthy body will emotionally stabilize you.
• Collaborate. You will need help. No one can do it all on their own.
• Take breaks. You're not a machine. Respect your biorhythm and rest when you need to.
• Learn from mistakes. There are so many new mistakes to make. Why repeat the same ones over and over again?
• Have passion & work hard. Passion is nice, but it alone will not move the growth dial. Work.
• Be kind. Because it is the right thing to do, and because even if you're moving up, you may meet some of these same people on the way down.

Crabs in a bucket or a tall poppy syndrome

There is this other sinister side of the personal growth medal. A story as old as all living things and human relationships speaks of the dynamism of personal change in the face of the pathologies of our closest surroundings, which try to keep everything the same.

Did you hear the story of the crabs in a bucket? Suppose you got yourself a bucket of crabs, as one does so often. You'll soon notice that crabs cannot get out of the bucket. Not because they necessarily can't climb the sides but because they get pulled back down to the bottom of the bucket by their fellow crabs trying to climb over the "almost successful" crab. This repeats, and none of the crabs can escape the bucket. Not allowing a single one to escape kept everyone down.

There is also an analogous story of a tall poppy that gets its head cut off only due to being taller than the rest. The price for getting more sunlight and "advancing" is death. An uncomfortable thing that often happens in pathological institutions is that the separation of one from a group sheds a bad light on the mediocre group, and the logic of the group dictates that the only way to look better is to cut off the tall poppy to restore "balance".

The social backlash of self-improvement

Have you ever had an experience in which you've rapidly started growing and breaking down harmful old patterns, such as neediness, victim mentality, helplessness, blaming, stagnation, and self-destructive behavior? You've started evolving into someone new and visibly changed your ways. Maybe you were also proud of this and excited about a new change that you've started (over) by sharing your journey with your immediate environment. And amidst the people genuinely proud of you and happy for your growth, you've also noticed another social current brewing and emerging - a surprising backlash from close people in your life – be it a family member, a partner, or a friend. The moment the self-growth efforts take root, you feel them slamming the breaks of the relationship, secretly or even openly disapproving and discouraging what you're trying to do for yourself.

What happened? Why would someone who loves you react like this? Your advancement may have awoken old pathologies, insecurities, and fears within them. They might even make you feel guilty for "leaving them behind." You show them so obviously that change is possible in proportion to a character's strength, which could make them feel inadequate and as if they have failed in changing their circumstances. Starting to feel guilty for striving and growing is a very dangerous sand pit that could trap you in sameness because some people will forgo their desires and stifle their goals just to "keep the peace."

Most people undermining others are not doing this intentionally or with conscious bad intent. Still, this sentiment will be a recurring theme as you've dedicated yourself to your personal development. You have to be ready to deal with this and defend your boundaries. The closer someone is to you, the harder it will be. A work colleague trying to snip your poppy won't be nearly as dangerous mentally and emotionally as deeply ingrained crabby relationships such as parents, siblings, and lifelong friends or partners.

You will lose some of these people, maybe not physically due to the bonds of blood or law, but emotionally, yes. Their love might have hinged on needing you weak, complacent, depressed, lonely, needy – they might have needed you to need them as a foundation of the relationship. Speak to the person honestly, help them understand, and try to pull them up with you. If that doesn't work, stop speaking of your progress to them or distance yourself a bit until you're done with your mission. Sometimes, you may even need to sever the relationship as a last resort if nothing else works. These are when things get so bad that they force you into a them-or-me situation. But try to fix it before jumping ship on this relationship. Maybe the other person needs to do some growing themselves before the rift can be mended. Things broken and fixed have deeper, more beautiful histories and an innate magnificence in imperfection and transience, as the Japanese wabi-sabi aesthetics teach us.

Conclusion

Finally, your path is your own. Those who want to join in support are welcome. Even quality opposition with valid arguments is welcome as it may help you have fewer blind spots, but don't let yourself be clubbed into submission by fear of rocking the boat. Make it a deliberate decision not to pull someone else down when they start to grow, and be honest to yourself and others. That's the only way to meet the finish line with grace, no matter what happens in between. 

Stay curious, stay kind, keep learning, listen to yourself, and enjoy living in your skin.